P.S im not trying to gain attention with all these writings. im just tired?

mood:sombre

i really cant take it.

people expecting me to achieve goals.
people expecting me to be someone i cant recognize in my reflection.

well this year people have been telling me that im falling.
they think i should be doing well.
im not blaming you guys. im kinda happy you all think that i can do it.
and i will study hard for it to maintain this.

but this pressure of being number one is slowly strangling me.
the thought of me just falling to the pit of nowhere is scary.
the thought of losing my grip and control is overwhelming.
i dont even know how to be myself just for once..
im pretending to put one such a fake stupid smile. superficial.
i laugh with another person within me & she is hiding her sorrow in her pathetic heart.
my eyes are losing that shine. darkness is lurking silently.

i know you guys will tell me not to care a hoot of what they think
and just do your best.
but i cant help it is everyone thinks that way.
people tell me i work hard not to impress people
but to for yourself and your pride?
great i dunno what im saying....*@*@#&$#&#*@*

eff....

i know all of these problems cant add up.
they cant be compared with others.
in fact, i should be happy i only have these to worry.
but it just......im just worrying too much yeah?
HAHAHAHA

sometimes when i cry, i think people thought im some crybaby.
maybe i am. but crying is a way to relieve this stress.
crying to oneself is a way to rid all of the pressure.

but nowadays i try to hold back the tears that may just drop any moment.
im learning to be strong.im learning to be someone who will never let anything bring her down.
i want to be somebody who just dont cry and laugh at everything/
and it isnt working. everything is backfiring.
im just bluffing myself, pretending everything's alright
when the truth is....it is not.

yet my heart is assuming and claiming.
and im believing it. i dowan to face the music.
dowan to be in a place so cold...with nothing to hold on.
i feel that im alone to face these upcoming...hmm..adversities?

but i gotta try. i gotta be on my two feet.
i will never ever give in to this shitty stress

geez. said it too easy?
but do i have a choice?
nope i dont. i just have to strengthen my inner self.